5 Bad Pieces of Advice We Give Teens

Dana Dill

I think most of us would like to help the youths of our day grow in wisdom, but sometimes our little nuggets of advice aren’t actually helpful. Occasionally, our sagely counsel, though thoroughly well-intentioned, ends up hamstringing them.

In my limited experience as a teacher, professor, and pastor, here are five things I’d advise us to stop advising.

“Sow your wild oats”

Sin dishonors God, even teenage sin. More, it enslaves and corrupts those who practice or nourish it. The more our kids sin, the easier and, therefore, more regular it becomes. Encouraging, permitting, waving off, or chuckling at teenage folly, whether it be in the form of sexual immorality, drunkenness, violence, or other high school debaucheries, normalizes sins that will establish those cravings, desires, and behaviors deep in their heart to bear fruit well into their future.

Even more, their teen years are entrusted them by God to love him and others. Do we really want to be telling our kids to foolishly steward the resources of their king in a way that dishonors him? Imagine if there was a fourth guy in the parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30) who didn’t bury his talent, but spent it on Bud Light, porn, and vape pens. I shudder to think.

Instead, let’s make this wisdom great again, “Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth” (Ecclesiastes 12:1).

“Get good grades”

Don’t encourage your kids to get good grades. Encourage them to cultivate their ability to think (reason), their ability to live according to truth (wisdom), and the kind of person they are (character). Stop asking, “How are your grades?” Instead, ask, “How are you growing?” Stop caring about report cards that won’t matter a lick to you or them ten years from now, but care about the character and wisdom that will matter every day of their gosh darn life.

If you tell your kid to focus on grades, they’ll learn to be compliant slaves able to obey whatever master comes their way to get the promised treat and avoid the promised threat. If you focus on growing mental and moral virtues, they’ll flourish as free people wherever they’re planted (and their grades will be good too as a result). The aim of education, for the Christian, is not GPA, but a human fully alive as reflect and live like the God whose image they bear.

“Don’t get married too young”

We tell them, “Take time to travel,” “find yourself,” be independent,” or “just have some fun.” There are two implications behind this counsel: marriage is a bummer and, if you want, you can always get married later. Both of those are wrong.

First, God makes clear in Scripture and in the world that marriage is a gift to be honored, prepared for, and sought out as early as one’s maturity and circumstance qualifies them. Even more, marriage is one of God’s most powerful ways that he matures us! It isn’t a bummer, but a blessing. Second, the more one waits for marriage the less likely it becomes. The options are fewer and the social groups they’re a part of are smaller. If anything, waiting only increases the pressure for folks to settle for a spouse that is less than desirable. Supply and demand doesn’t just work in economics.

Instead, we should teach our each kids what God says: marriage is a blessing that enriches and matures them and they should, in wisdom, seek a spouse as early as circumstances permit. It’s a gift to be enjoyed, not a curse to endure or push off.

“Wait for kids”

Same logic as above. It is folly to train our kids to see God’s gifts as anything else but that. Kids are blessings (Psalm 127:3-5). God loves when we have babies (Genesis 1:28). Jesus loved kids (Matthew 19:14). Practically, having kids early gives your children the gift of younger, stronger, more energetic parents well into their adulthood. Does this mean that having kids later in life is wrong, no! It means having kids is good and we should celebrate when young married folk increase their tribe.

“But,” one may say, “having kids will keep you from doing things for yourself like traveling, having more money, making progress in your career.” Yes, there may be sacrifices we make for the good of our children, but isn’t that, like, love? Someone (Jesus) once said, “It is better to give than receive.” If he was right (and he was because he is Jesus), maybe the good life we seek won’t be found in focusing on our wants, but the true good of others?

Maybe, good gifts are just that: good. It’s wise to teach our kids to chase after good things.

“You have to go college”

If there's a goal that college will help them accomplish like becoming a doctor, lawyer, professor, etc., then, for sure your young adult should go. But, if your child is aimless or their work aspirations don’t require it (e.g. they’d like to do a trade instead or become a homemaker), don’t tell them to go to college. In these cases, it would be a waste of their time and resources.

Consider how many young adults have gone through college only to end up in jobs that don’t necessitate that degree (art majors working as secretaries, business majors working construction, communications majors working for insurance) or to become homemakers burdened with debt. The pursuit of higher education in such cases gives the illusion of progress but results in accruing debt and wasting time during crucial years.

Instead, encourage your kids to grow in virtue and knowledge (it can be done without college or formal schooling, and sometimes even better). Teach them to fulfill their responsibilities, to love God, their family, and church, and to invest their time and money in something that’s truly meaningful for their lives now and well into the future.

Becoming a Christian isn’t only learning the new, sweet things of Jesus, but unlearning the old things of the world. Like our clothes, we need to daily put on his wisdom and put off the world’s stupidity. It’s crucial that we don’t just nod along to the popular beliefs of our day but, instead, drag every single one of our old, crusty ideas into the sanitizing light of God’s truth. If we do this right, the kids we’re guiding will be grateful that we didn’t leave them wallowing in the same old muck we grew up with.